Days Between

Waking up this morning, I heard an old argument going on in my mind. It said that morning meditation was happening NOW (as dictated by the gong sound down at main camp) and if I wanted to join in I'd better move it. My head was swirling with dream images and lost in a world of disjointed emotion and memory. My body still half asleep, bladder full, eyes open but turned inward I searched for my journal to write down the dreams and flashlight as it was still dark (5 a.m). The ancient argument was between my movement being dictated by a gong and the imminent beginning of a group event of which I wanted to take place or allowing my movement to be organic and in accordance with my inner timing and flow, which would most likely cause me to miss said meditation. The "outer world" movement was tainted with a pang of guilt, reminding me that I had requested this specific meditation the night before and how "bad" of me not to be present for it. It was also coming from a place of habit. Deeply ingrained as a child that when I was woken up, I had to get out of bed shortly thereafter to go to school. I remember my parents frustration at the snooze button on the alarm clock being pressed again and again by my sister and how I tried my best not to provoke the same frustrations when it was time for me to go to school. Getting up at a predisposed time because I was trying to please someone else. That is the habit.
The inner world told me to let it all go and that nobody would be bothered or upset by me taking the time I needed in the morning to wake up the way I want to wake up. The "inner world" voice was also concerned with pleasing others. Interesting. It then told me that it was OK to rebel against the structure set up around me and that I was prepared to accept any consequences of not following said structure. The rebel and the good girl having it out in my head at 5 a.m. How many times have these two had it out? They play against each other, polarizing my personality in seeming antithesis. Furthermore, the dreams I'd had alluded to a time in my life as a teenager where I was in full rebellion mode and that little rebel had the good girl tied up in a closet only to be let out between the hours of 7 a.m and 3 p.m for school and on family holidays. She developed some interesting habits at that time that would do me good to re examine, but that's another blog.
Upon noticing the internal chaos, my guru came in and settled the disharmony by reminding me that my deepest commitment at that moment was to loving myself, and from there, it became very easy to choose the following actions: I allowed that space/time to empty my bladder, scribble notes in my journal, and lay back down to comfortably meditate on my own process. I could hear the screaming going on below as they were practicing OSHO's dynamic meditation, which includes a releasing of held emotional energy by vocalization. It pierced through my heart. I woke up fully (around 6 a.m)...spending time arranging my belongings, and being peacefully present with my own voices, emotions, and judgments.
Here I am a few hours later, realizing that I have only 3 days left at Inanitah before heading off to Panama on Thursday morning. In these next few days I am going to focus on opening up space in myself, in my body, in my heart. Getting clear. I no longer have to have such a strong focus on holding space for others the way I have for the past 2 weeks in class, the way I have for the past few years in session after session of bodywork. The focus can shift freely from one place to another without greediness or urgency or desperation. I will be giving plenty of massages and space holding for others over the next few days, but the bulk of my energy can focus on self love, joy, and the adventure of living.